Right out of the gate, let’s clear the air. I’m sure many of you are thinking (after having looked me up on calbar.org): What can someone with a six digit bar number beginning in “2” possibly have to offer ME in the way of advice about working with clients? True, I have not been an attorney for very long. But, before I was an attorney, I was a Domestic Violence (DV) advocate for many years. Now I hear, almost daily, the frustrations of my colleagues as they struggle to understand why their clients who profess to be victims of DV seem so crazy. This article is meant to shed some light on the psychology of DV victims and to offer some practical advice for assisting this very special class of client.
Firstly, please understand that I know that women batter men too. I also believe that there is a common belief in the Family Law profession that women “make up” stories about having been victims of DV in order to get custody of their children. Perhaps some of you have even had to face that very dilemma in your own practices. I have not. In 10 years of doing this work, I have found it excruciatingly difficult to get women to be forthcoming in disclosing all the abuse they have endured, and I have found that they are much more likely to minimize the abuse than to dramatize it. Think about it for a moment: if you were mugged, who would you tell? Perhaps you would tell everyone because people would be outraged for you that you had to endure that kind of treatment at the hands of another person. But if you were raped, who would you tell? And if you lived with your rapist, who would there be to tell? Would people be outraged that you had been raped by your husband or wife? What if the attack had taken place under threat of greater harm to you or harm to your children? No. Society is not outraged by rape when you know your rapist, nor is society outraged by DV. Both are very embarrassing, and very shameful, especially if you are seen as a successful and strong person. How could you, the victim, let this happen? Do you think anyone has ever asked that of a mugging victim? Imagine it: “Why were you walking down the street, idiot!? You deserve to be mugged!” Ridiculous.
So, in order to be productive and helpful to DV victims who seek your assistance and advice, begin by suspending your disbelief in the horrors of her story. Don't ever ask her why she didn't leave earlier. I'll tell you right now why she didn't, and the list of reasons is long: finances, the kids, no emotional support from her family or his, pressure from him, pressure from her church, no money of her own, and basically she loves him. No one gets into a marriage if they can't stand the person. She loves many things about him, and she has probably spent many years believing him when he tells her that if she would just "..." enough (whatever it is), then they would have no problems in the marriage. SHE is the problem in the marriage. Plus, she doesn't leave because maybe she makes more money than he does and she is afraid that he will get the kids and she will have to pay him support. And, by the way, the idea that if she leaves and they have to co-parent the kids, and there will be lots of time that he will be caring for the children alone scares the living daylights out of her because she knows him, and she knows how horribly violent he can be. There's the reason she didn't leave before, so now you don't have to ask her.
You cannot expect even very educated battered women to be able to understand what you say to them all at once. You will have to repeat yourself. You may or may not be able to put things in writing. Remember that there is a very strong chance that he reads her mail, even if they live apart. He probably also has access to her email and voicemail too, so you need to be very careful when communicating with her. Why can't she seem to get the most basic concepts? Why do you and your staff have to spend so much time repeating yourselves to her? Think of her as a person who has recently returned from war, who might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, short-term memory loss. Imagine yourself in her position where she is now, maybe, free from living with her abuser. However, now 90% of her time and energy is spent in looking over her shoulder for him because she knows that he is following her. Remember, the risk of physical violence, including death, goes up exponentially when the DV victim leaves her batterer. Your client is scared. She doesn't trust anyone - even you.
Try not to take her paranoia personally, but also try not to minimize her fears. It is quite a balancing act to be reassuring without being condescending, but I have complete faith that once you begin to understand these particular clients and their special needs, it will become second nature for you. Our work as attorneys is so vital to these women. Often, no one has ever spoken up for them, no one has ever protected them, or cared that they have suffered this kind of abuse. You would be outraged if someone did this to an animal. People are animals too. Women may consent to the relationship at some point, but no one consents to abuse. These women deserve our utmost respect and kindness. Please remember, you may be the only person who has shown her kindness in many years.
Lastly, figure out where the local women's center is and refer these clients there for extra hand-holding. That frees you up and frees up your staff to do the legal work. Working closely with advocates from the women's center can be good for your business too, as women often go there for referrals. Good luck.
