One way to keep your beloved happy is to plan occasional trips to the country. Bear in mind that the mere mention of a weekend holiday tends to make women go all a-flutter, so be alert for signs of hyperventilation.
Once on the road, you may discover that your mistress prefers to spend road trips quietly perusing fashion magazines, quilting or filing her nails. More likely, she will fill the time cheerfully gossiping about girlfriends and second-guessing your every driving decision. Getting navigational advice from a woman is something akin to getting hair care tips from Nick Nolte. In other words, it can usually be dismissed for the prattle it is. But, over the course of a car trip this feminine trait can become annoying.
When it is apparent that your lady friend has inherited the dreaded Back Seat Driver gene, it's comforting to remember that there are certain measures gentlemen can rely upon to provide needed relief:
Some women, unfamiliar with the male's superior sense of direction, are apt to complain if a fellow doesn't immediately stop to ask for help when momentarily disoriented. This situation can be remedied by simply complying with the lady's wishes by proceeding to pull over and ask directions at every trailer park, gin joint and watermelon stand between you and your destination.
If demands for frequent bathroom stops are hindering progress, consider hiding a remote controlled fart machine in the lining of your lady's purse (volume on high). The next time she needs to powder her nose, stop at a large, popular travel plaza - the kind with multi-stall bathrooms. Follow her inside the plaza and position yourself near the door of the ladies room, then activate the fart machine each time a new woman enters. A real rib-tickler, which has the added effect of limiting potty breaks.
Although you may find that your date is overly vociferous in her driving recommendations, it generally defeats the purpose of a holiday to flog her about the head and shoulders with a bag of cheese curds.
For ladies who have acquired the dull habit of hovering over your travel atlas in search of alternate routes, a little advanced planning is required. Scan the applicable road map and import it into a photo manipulation program. Change the name of every town, and the number of each bisecting highway, along your intended route. Print and carefully paste the new map back into your travel atlas. Watch bemusedly as your companion feverishly attempts to reconcile the map with the landmarks you're passing, then drifts into a mild delirium.
One particularly effective cure for back seat driving is to pretend to hear a noise, then pull over and request that your date lean out her window and inspect the tires. While she is thus engaged, quickly roll up the window with her head positioned outside the vehicle (providing a modicum of breathing room is considered customary). This method assures a quiet ride for the remainder of your trip. Hint: A gentleman always removes bugs and road tar from his date's teeth during petrol stops.
Regardless of how intolerable the badgering may become, a gentleman realizes that duct taping a lady to the hood of a car is simply not done. You'll get much better gas mileage if you duct tape her to the roof. Plus, the female form acts as a natural wind foil - greatly improving handling, especially during downpours.
©2008 Reginald Crumpet.
