Here it was, 6:45 in the morning, and I found myself standing catatonic in the company break room alongside a few disgruntled coworkers, shotgunning a Mountain Dew and loading the pockets of my hooded sweatshirt with as many Double Stuf Oreos as would fit, when in my lethargy I was painfully jolted into consciousness by the pulsating rhythmic thud of a bass drum pounding rapidly behind a familiar holiday melody. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, threw out a couple heartfelt yawns, and analyzed the music a bit further only to learn that what I was actually experiencing was some sort of Euro-dance club remix of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies," originally of Nutcracker fame (and later, of Tetris fame).
It was equal parts ludicrous desecration of a holiday classic and hilarious attempt to modernize a piece of work that was in absolutely no need whatsoever of modernizing. Tchaikovsky and Studio 54 were born of different times and places, and rightfully so; by my pattern of logic, one who might shake one's booty to "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" would do equally as well to have said booty kicked, and hard. What does clubbin' have to do with Christmas, anyway? Nothing, that's what, and believe you me when I say that the remainder of the holiday pop music market isn't a hell of a lot better in terms of taste. Perhaps it's simply because I've allowed the retail industry to corrupt my ability to innocently enjoy a song written to instill holiday joy, but I prefer to think that time has just rendered me a caustic and cynical analyst of all things, and it's with that in mind that I present this entirely objective rundown of some of the songs, both bad and not-as-bad, with which satellite radio has attempted to leave its giant footprint in my holiday season:
Destiny's Child - "A DC Christmas Medley"
Ah yes, Christmastime is here again, and what's Christmas without that old time-honored tradition of shaking your thang to the beats of Beyonce Knowles and her posse? Many's the time we sat around Grammy's old radio on Christmas eve, waiting for Saint Nick to plop down that chimbley with his bag full of goodies, bringing out a little holiday funk to such yuletide classics as "Bills, Bills, Bills" and "Survivor" (having made it through a number of rather iffy hip surgeries earlier in the year, Grammy particular dug this last one), so it's only fitting that Destiny's Child would grant us with a proper holiday outing. I mean, if you're gonna shake it on Christmas, you best shake it right, right?
And see, the great thing about medleys is that, just when you think the fun is about to end, surprise strikes, and an ENTIRELY NEW SONG begins, ready to lift your spirits straight out of the doldrums! With "A DC Christmas Medley," Beyonce and friends manage to bellow their way through no fewer than *seven* seasonal favorites, covering everything from a lyrically confused "Frosty the Snowman" to a melodically inept touch on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," whose tag line is quivered by Ms. Knowles over and over and over again until you're sure you can't take anymore, and then BAM! Along comes "Holly Jolly Christmas" to save the day. Man, if you thought she butchered the National Anthem at Super Bowl XXXVIII.....
The Beach Boys - "Little Saint Nick"
The Beach Boys and Christmas - I guess, sometimes in art, you have to take two things so dissimilar and just throw them into a blender, right? In order to create some wildly off-kilter cultural contrast that will challenge both consumer, critic, and in some cases, even the artist him- or herself? Is that the idea?
I can't keep a straight face about it either. It didn't work for the Nutcracker remix people and it doesn't work for the Beach Boys. They may have made a bold leap by replacing the tambourine with the more holiday-friendly jingle bells, but it can't save them from the fact that even their Christmas songs sound exactly like "Little Deuce Coupe" and "Fun, Fun, Fun." I actually thought there were three different Beach Boys Christmas songs in satellite rotation at our workplace; it was only after sitting and listening did I learn that "little Saint Nick," "run, run, reindeer," and "merry Christmas, Saint Nick!" were actually all lines from the same song.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
Barring the fact that it's a song written of a completely different time, have you ever stopped to contemplate that the Christmas depicted in this song would be possibly the worst Christmas ever? Can you imagine being a starry-eyed young scoundrel in the throes of holiday romance, and opening from your "true love" a box containing seven swans a-swimming? Gee, thanks. An often overlooked aspect of this song is that these gifts multiply with each passing day of Christmas; by the time the whole nightmare is over, you are actually the proud owner of no fewer than *forty-two* swans a-swimming, twelve partridges in a pear tree, etc. Don't hide it; I can see the light in your eyes.
After the twelfth day, your house would be so overrun with various birds fluttering about and strange maids a-milking and pipers piping raiding your fridge for eggnog that you'd have to pawn all forty of your golden rings just to get them all proper room and board. You could probably eat the birds, but still - what a hassle, right? I'd break up with this "true love" broad but quick.
A version of "Santa Baby" by an unidentified male rock singer
Look, I understand we live in an era of diversity and acceptance, and I can groove to that tune, but enough's enough: a male rock vocalist attempting to seduce Kris Kringle via a gritty rock and roll rendition of a song formerly done by Marilyn Monroe, Eartha Kitt, and Madonna - well, it's just not in the spirit of the holiday. The whole idea of the song itself is rather appalling, but this particular homo-erotic romp has legitimate potential to ruin childhoods. Only a medley featuring this and "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" would be tackier.
I googled the living hell out if it and can't for the life of me locate the name of artist who recorded this abomination. In the event that any Rockbeatstone readers possess information on this matter, please send an e-mail to kevin@bitwiser.com. I'll have my secretary send a bouquet of flowers to your home as a token of my gratitude.
Simple Plan - "My Christmas List"
Whiny little bastards.
There are a lot of things the music world got that it just didn't need, but few can claim a spot as high on that totem pole as a Simple Plan Christmas song. The song itself is a bratty anthem of materialism and selfishness, and not to wax all moral on something that is so obviously a novelty piece, but Pierre Bouvier's (spare me, I looked that one up on the internet for journalistic accuracy) nagging whine is so grating that it really does resemble the screeching of an antsy ten year-old, pawing at mom's heels in the toy store and begging her for whatever action figure the kids have their knickers all in a bundle over these days. Bearing that in mind, there is no novelty whatsoever to this novelty song; it sets out to annoy, and it succeeds with flying colors. Hopefully whoever is responsible for filling Simple Plan's stockings this year has the good sense to fill them doggie poo.
Bon Jovi - "I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas"
As one of the few spandex rockers to successfully survive the hair-metal plague of the 1980's, Bon Jovi is a popular object of derision among music fans 'cross the globe, but let it be said, I've got a bit of a soft spot for the guy. Sure, his music is terrible, but he's a nice enough guy, plus he's an arena football team owner, so I can't be that hard on him. "You Give Love a Bad Name" was popular when I was about four years old, and I'll always be grateful for the memories it gives me of sitting in my grandma's basement with my cousins watching my Uncle Chris was shoot billiards with his girlfriends, while the Jov gave the speakers of his cassette boombox the workout of a lifetime. If there's one person who could turn the holidays into a power ballad, Jon Bon Jovi is the guy, so let those lighters wave, kids - they'll keep you warm in this coldest of seasons, and they'll pay respect where respect is due. Shot through the heart!
Hanson - "What Christmas Means to Me"
Once the dopey stigma of the pre-pubescent teen idol is removed, it comes to light that Taylor Hanson was actually quite a decent singer in his day, and "What Christmas Means to Me" is actually a rather groovy slice of Christmas rhythm-n-blues. I can't help but bob my head when I picture that rosy-cheeked little guy MMMbopping around at that keyboard, preferably wearing a stocking cap with a big fuzzy ball at its apex, and snow pants, in the spirit of the holiday season and all, jumping up and down and belting out those "WHOA-oo-WHOA-oo-WHOA-oo-WHOA-HO!"'s at lung-collapsing ferocity. It's so damn cute, but lord it makes me want to move! I don't know what happened to Hanson in their later days (I'm guessing perhaps puberty, and possibly some drug problems), but if careers must be defined by a single song, let "What Christmas Means to Me" replace "MMMBop" as Hanson's song. Their legacy deserves it.
Britney Spears - "My Only Wish (This Year)"
In "My Only Wish," Britney professes that "I have been so good this year," which I'm going to be willing to bet is a DAMN DIRTY LIE. Remember, Britney, he knows if you've been bad or good - I saw that trashy routine on the Video Music Awards, and I'm sure he saw it too. I really hope you didn't hold your breath that year.
Britney these days is a much better object of pity than ridicule, which is precisely what makes her Christmas song so great. It's a window back to better times, before her poor victimized image was destroyed by Vegas marriages and tabloid photographs of her smoking cigarettes and flipping off the Paparazzi. Nope, all those things go by the wayside when "My Only Wish" rears its ugly head on the Muzak station; I'm once again transported back to the days of a not-that-innocent tramp prancing about the stage of Total Request Live, and I'm free to arrogantly lambaste her musical contribution to the holiday season as the pre-packaged computer-enhanced garbage that it is. Sure, Britney's an easy target, and normally I wouldn't waste my time, but it's Christmas for Pete's sake, and daggummit, if you urinate in the Bowl of Christmas Cheer, you get what's coming to you (in this case, "what's coming" happens to be an obscure mention from an unknown writer for an online music magazine. Take that, Britney!)
Olivia Olson - "All I Want for Christmas Is You"
At least Mariah Carey has pipes, right?
It took an inordinate amount of searching to locate the name of the young lady responsible for the version of "All I Want for Christmas is You" that has been satellite radio these days; I was damn certain it was Ashlee Simpson or someone of the like, but alas, it's a ray of hope for the musical taste of the world that this talentless hack remains in relative obscurity. Olivia Olson's version of "All I Want for Christmas is You" is tagged onto the tail end of the Love Actually soundtrack, where hopefully it will be destined to remain for all eternity. Her voice is the aural equivalent to tripping over a log and smashing your head on a large, jagged boulder. What this thing is doing on a major label film soundtrack is positively beyond me.
The Waitresses - "Christmas Wrapping"
Have you ever detested something for so long that it kind of becomes like an old friend? That's sort of how I feel about the Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping"; it's been a workplace holiday staple for years, and while I have been known to cite it from time to time as the worst song ever written, it comes on these days and I can't help but smile, much in the way that I smile when "MMMBop" or "Ice Ice Baby" comes on.
"Christmas Wrapping" really has very little to do with Christmas at all; it's the story of a young lady who spends the entire year in hot pursuit of a gent of her fancy, missing chance after chance after chance, only to be united with him on December 24th when they meet up at the grocery store, having both forgotten cranberries for the holiday dinners that they were going to be eating alone. What a saga, and what inspiration. It's not a bad little sequence of events, but unfortunately it boasts a horn section so ear-piercingly obnoxious that there is no redeeming it.
For those unacquainted (I would hope most are, and would encourage most to remain so, as it's nothing worth putting your effort into familiarizing yourself with), The Waitresses are the '80's pop sensations that brought us the hit "I Know What Boys Like," one of few songs terrible enough to give "Christmas Wrapping" a run for its money in that aforementioned worst-song-ever-written contest. If you can imagine the fist-clenching, teeth-grating, head-splitting annoyances that surge through your body as a result of hearing that song, just add a little yuletide cheese and you've got "Christmas Wrapping." I'm glad I can laugh at it now.
